Prince Rilian, Shelob, and the False Self

When a friend lashes out at us, who (or what) should we be mad at?

A few years ago, I had a falling-out with a close friend. She lashed out at me over my political views, not just once but repeatedly. I got tired of it and we stopped talking. Eventually we sort-of reconciled, but our friendship is still on very wobbly legs. She apologized for some things she said, but not others. I didn't recant my political views (in fact I made a career out of them). If we used to be in "You would be a groomsman / bridesmaid at my wedding" territory, now we're in "smile politely if we're in the same room" territory.

As I was considering whether or not I wanted to rebuild our friendship, I realized that I faced a choice. I could focus on my anger, on the things she had not apologized for and on the ways that her fear kept her from truly seeing me. Or I could think about the whole mess through the lens of the False Self and the True Self.

(Note for readers: if you're not familiar with how I use the terms False Self and True Self, I go more into detail here. But essentially: the False Self is unhealthy* fear, anger, guilt, and shame that we feel and that can sometimes feel like they're dominating us. Our True Self is the soul we are underneath all of that pain).

When I decided to view our relationship and its problems through the lens of the False Self and the True Self, I found two key lessons that I think have helped me to think about our friendship in a healthier way.

Lesson #1: I couldn't be mad at her

This lesson comes from C.S. Lewis' brilliant Narnia story The Silver Chair. In The Silver Chair, there's a noble prince named Prince Rilian. But he spends most of the story ensorcelled by an evil witch. When he is ensorcelled, he is simply known as the knight.

The knight is a pretty awful human being. He's planning an invasion of Narnia. When one of the heroes suggests that it would be terrible to wage war on a bunch of innocent creatures, he laughs. The heroes decide that they don't like him very much.

But for a single hour per day, the enchantment breaks and the knight is returned to being Prince Rilian. Prince Rilian is noble, kind, and just. Prince Rilian is his True Self. When he is in this state, he is tied up and locked away so that he can't derail the invasion plans of the knight and evil witch.

When the heroes see the enchantment break and behold Prince Rilian in his True Self, they face what I imagine was a choice. Should they hold him accountable for the awful things he said when he was ensorcelled? Should they blame him for the actions of his False Self (the knight)? Of course not.

So who should they be mad at? Who should they blame?

Lesson #2: Who should I be mad at?

The truth, of course, is that Prince Rilian was ensorcelled. When he was saying and doing awful things, he wasn't acting in his True Identity. He was merely a mouthpiece for the evil witch who cast the spell on him in the first place.

And ultimately, the witch is who the characters chose to be mad at.

To explore this concept more fully, I think it's helpful to bring in a second story, written by a good friend of C.S. Lewis: The Lord of the Rings.

In the movie version of The Return of the King, Frodo is trying to navigate the tunnels of Cirith Ungol. But he's been abandoned by his guide, Gollum; and now he's trapped. There's also a giant spider on the loose (Shelob), and she's spun webs to trap her unwitting prey. In one particularly evocative shot, Frodo is desperately trying to escape the tunnels but the spiderwebs are getting more and more constraining. Finally he's trapped.

I think our False Selves can be like these spiderwebs. They can trap and constrain us. The fear and the anger, the guilt and the shame that we experience can hide our light and stop us from doing what we know is right. Even worse, they can sometimes take the wheel and push us into lashing out at other people or into hating ourselves.

If they're really intense, these negative emotions can even trap us and hold us in place. This isn't always a metaphor. In 2020, when everyone else was worried about COVID, I was scared for a different reason. A bunch of the abuse that I dealt with when I was younger got unrepressed all at once, and suddenly I was terrified of everything. I started having triggers and involuntary flashbacks. A trip to Whole Foods left my terrified brain screaming at me to "GET OUT! GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET HURT!" Some days, the terror was so intense that I could barely move. I just lay in bed, comatose, for hours. I felt every bit as trapped by my fear as Frodo in Shelob's spiderwebs.

So when my friend lashed out at me and didn't really apologize or want to talk about it, who should I be mad at? Surely not her True Self who feels trapped and immobilized by her False Self (while I've said in the past that the True Self is more powerful than the False Self, we don't always realize this; and when we don't, the feelings of being trapped and held powerless by our fear/anger/guilt/shame can be real).

Instead, I should be mad at the spinner of webs. I should be mad at the evil witch who ensorcelled Prince Rilian, not at Rilian himself. I should be mad at Shelob, not at Frodo for being trapped in her webs.

Or to put it another way: my friend isn't a bad person. On many occasions, her True Self shines out of her bright and clear and she's a wonderful human being. But she can be triggered. So who should I be mad at? Her? Or the fear that can make her feel trapped and alone and threatened, and can make her lash out?

And if I decided to be mad at her fear rather than at her, perhaps I could channel my anger into trying to cast her fear out of her and free her from it. 

What might that look like? Perhaps I could give her a chance to air her frustrations with me, and just listen and try to truly hear her. Sometimes being deeply listened to can help a person to break the grip of their False Self. Or perhaps I could practice sacrificial love, and try to show her that (my politics notwithstanding) I loved her and wasn't anyone she would ever have to be scared of.

Of course, when we're dealing with a False Self, it can also be important to set boundaries. People acting out of their False Selves may mean well (or they may not), and may be victims of their own pain; but they can still hurt us. Fear-born anger can cut us deep, especially if the person in question is someone we truly love. But I think we can set boundaries without hating the person. 

So here's our action item for this week, as a community of practice. Next time someone hurts you, instead of getting mad at them, focus on seeing and loving their True Self. Reserve your anger for the False Self that is controlling and trapping them in this moment. 

And, if you feel so called and you see an action that might help them out of their False Self just a little bit, consider taking that action.

*I think it's important to stress that not all fear, anger, guilt, or shame is unhealthy. Each can be healthy in certain circumstances (again, I go more into detail on the topic here). But generally speaking, I think a lot of us feel far more fear, anger, guilt, and shame than is good for us.

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