Fear and Anger
Never tell God that you’re scared of or angry at a person, because He will absolutely make it a priority to heal that relationship
A friend of mine likes to joke: never tell God that you’re scared of or angry at a person, because He will absolutely make it a priority to heal that relationship—generally by putting you in close proximity with the other person.
I heard this joke a week ago, and ever since, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how applicable it is to my own life.
Self-Protection
Sometimes I’ll feel really hurt by someone and I’ll be scared to reach back out to them to try to mend fences, let they come after me again.
This happened a few months ago. I hadn’t talked to my friend John (not his real name) for a few years, because last time we interacted John bit my nose off over our political differences. But in church one day, I felt God inviting me to reach out to John. The conversation went a little bit like this:
God: “You should reach out to John. Right now. Ask him how he’s doing, tell him that you miss him, and ask if he’d like to hop on a call.”
Me: “God, you…uh…remember what happened last time, right? Getting insulted like that was not fun for me. I’m scared it’s going to happen again.”
God: “And so what if it does? I made you to be a peacemaker, and that includes bringing peace to people in pain. And anyway, if John insults you again, what of it? I love you. Compared to that, can any human insults really sting all that much?”
So I reached out to John, and the response was surprising. John responded almost instantly, saying that he was sorry for how he had treated me in the past and that he really wanted to work on our relationship.
And just like that, my fear and anger towards John was healed.
I’ll tell another story. Some of you know that I was abused as a child, and that around 6 years ago I made the difficult decision to cut off contact with the person who hurt me. A few months ago I felt God inviting me to reach out to them: first to forgive them, and then to ask them to forgive me for cutting them off, and then to invite them for coffee.
Just like with John, I was terrified. This person has a good heart but also never really healed from the mental illness that could make them lash out at the drop of a hat, and I was scared that I’d be putting myself in a position where they could hurt me again.
Just like with John, I felt God inviting me to overcome my fear and to make the effort. And just like with John, I felt God reassuring me that, if my abuser really did try to hurt me again, that He would still be there to protect me in the storm.
In Life Without Lack, theologian Dallas Willard writes that:
“Jesus taught us not to be afraid of those who can kill the body. He also discussed other fears people have, each of which he gently and intelligently dismissed. You can live completely without fear. God is the kind of being who, if you will place yourself in his hands, in trust, will ensure that nothing can ever happen to you that will make you say, ‘I’m afraid’ or ‘I don’t have enough.’”
So often when I want to keep someone at arm’s length out of a desire to self-protect, I feel God inviting me to reach out to the person, to try to heal the relationship…and to trust God to protect me from any fallout.
Boundaries
But there are also times when God invites me to set boundaries with people. I’m currently not talking much with someone I used to be close to, because they hurt me pretty badly and I don’t think they’re in a place to be able to talk about it in a healthy way. At this stage in our relationship, any attempt to get closer would likely just result in a blow-up: more discord, rather than more peace.
But even here, I feel God calling me to make peace with this person inside my own heart. I want to be angry at them, but I feel God calling me to forgive them. When we do talk (which is rare), I want to sting them, but I feel God inviting me to minister to them instead. I feel God calling me to pray for a spirit of love and grace towards this person, so that if they do reach out wanting to turn a new leaf, I can be there to help them on their journey.
I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again: I begrudge no-one their healthy boundaries. I don’t think that God does either. But I also think that, even within the context of those boundaries, God is still inviting us to make peace with the people who we feel have hurt us. I like what the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (NIV).
Seeing the Best In People
Awhile ago I had a pretty dim view of a fellow Christian with whom I sometimes interacted. I didn’t think they were evil or anything, but they rubbed me the wrong way. I felt irritated by them and I looked down on them as being shallow in their faith.
Then, late last year, I had to ask them for a favor.
They immediately said “yes”, and that assent changed my whole opinion of them. I felt a deep upwelling of gratitude towards them that burned away my irritation. I also saw other statements they’d made in a new light, and I felt myself accepting a truth that God had been telling me for months (”This person is way deeper with Me than you think they are”). Now I have a lot of respect for them, and we’re getting closer as friends.
I’ve seen this happen over and over again. When I’m mad at someone, God’s not content to let me stew in my anger and judgement. Instead He’ll show me a different side of the person in question: how caring they are, or what a loving father they are, or how they have this amazing ability to remember important details about everyone they meet. When I want to see the worst in someone, God won’t stop until He’s shown me their best.
Putting it all together, I’m reminded of this line from James Catford, the founding chair of the Center for Christianity and Public Life: “wherever we draw the lines in society—about who is acceptable and who is unacceptable—Jesus is to be found on the other side of the lines.”
Or to put it another way: I think God is a bridge-builder.
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